Hi. I have depression and anxiety. I’m here to tell you that I have a great job, a beautiful family full of love and support, a secure home life and satisfactory health. Even with all these things — I still fantasized, every single day, about what it would be like to kill myself.

Bleeding out seemed like such a relief to me. Like a deep breath of fresh air. Like built up stress and panic flowing out of me. Like peeing after not being able to pee for a long time.

That is because depression and anxiety, at the clinical level, is bigger than your circumstances. Yes- poor circumstances can contribute to negative feelings. But long term despair is a conditioned response. Somewhere, along the way of the different trials I’ve experienced, I’ve learn a thought pattern that contributed to my misery.

That misery thought pattern released an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, and that imbalance increased the success of the thought pattern. It’s a self-fueling cycle. And they said perpetual motion didn’t exist. Once I was no longer surrounded by trials or negative circumstances — that cycle still existed.

Think of your mind like a forest. The paths you take most frequently are the ones that the most worn down. The paths that are the most worn down are the ones most easily traversed. In fact, the fantasy I played out began appearing in my thoughts without me consciously initiating it. Like when you drive home on muscle memory.

Once my little fantasies crept up while driving or zoning out, or spending time with my dogs, I realized I needed help. So I sought therapy to try to forge a new path of thought.

But that’s not all! In this scenario — there are two factors. The thought pattern and the chemical imbalance. My thought pattern had progressed for so long that the chemical imbalance was like a boulder I was carrying around even when I was in a great mood.

Many seemingly menial tasks meant not only moving the boulder with me and exhausting myself, but also adding weight to it by putting myself in situations I knew I would make symptoms worse.

“Answering a text? That could go wrong. What if people take it the wrong way? What if I find myself pressured to lie or be inauthentic? Either, I’ll hate myself or the person will hate me. I should probably avoid it, rather than move the boulder and potentially add to it.”

“Going out with people? What if they bring up a topic I’m uncomfortable with? What if I fall? What if people try to gossip with me? About me? Why risk adding to the boulder, let alone carry it around with me.”

“OMG — getting out of bed? There is so much potential to add to the boulder. And lifting the boulder out of bed is the most challenging thing some days. I may as well stay here until the afternoon. Because at a certain point- staying in bed adds to the boulder because my family will be mad at me for not contributing.”

And all those are unconscious. I’m not literally debating carrying the boulder — it’s just all those scenarios fill me with such dread. I just avoid it all.

I started to take medications. And yes. They made the boulder smaller. It isn’t gone, but the dread and despair that kept me in bed for 4 hours is now a mild discomfort about getting out of bed and facing the world. And even that unhappiness soon dissipates when surrounded by my family.

So maybe the boulder is now just a more manageable-medicated-rock. And honestly, it’s a rock I frequently put out in the open — sometimes putting googly eyes on it like a pet. “Isn’t my anxiety cute? Haha. I still won’t text you back, though.”

Sorry, folks. I still hate texting you back.

When I see posts about depression-About how exercise can cure my depression and anxiety, or about how the world sucking less can cure my depression and anxiety, or about how cheering up can cure my depression and anxiety- I get confused. Surely you know I’ve tried those things. And surely you know one can be super fit, super privileged and super cheery and still be crippled by these issues. SURELY, you’re not assuming that an entire field of study and science can be invalidated by a quippy phrase.

Believing depression can be cured by quick fixes is like not believing in climate change. Science simply disagrees.

And believing that you should just soldier through misery and anxiety without therapy and/or medication management is like believing you should try to get healthy without diet and/or exercise. Is it possible? Maybe. Is it recommended? Absolutely not.